Week 4.

I can't believe I'm already in the fourth week of this eight-week session. It's crazy how fast time is going by.

I don't have much to say today, just looking forward to class tonight. Hopefully it will inspire me, because I'm feeling pretty blah right now.

Oh! I did get on a pair of jean straight out of the dryer today without needing to do the deep-knee bends and wiggles I usually have to, to get them to loosen up. That was cool.

Let's talk food.

So far, I've been talking mostly about exercise. It's definitely important, but at least as important, and likely more so, is diet.

I don't do Jenny Craig, I don't follow the Atkins Diet, I don't go to Weight Watchers meetings... you get the idea. I know people who have had great success with all these methods, and I'm certainly not knocking them. They just weren't for me. What did work for me was...













(drumroll please)













Eating sensibly and portion control.


That's it.

I bought myself a $6 food scale at Walmart and started reading labels. I actually measured out a tablespoon of peanut butter, instead of just eyeballing it. You know what I discovered? That an actual serving was less than I was using, but it was still enough.

But then food sort of overtook my life. It felt as thought I spent my day thinking about what I would eat next, watching the clock to figure out when I could eat it (trying to space out my 3 meals plus 3 snacks evenly)... it become too hard, and I got burnt out. Seems silly that eating "right" would be hard, but it was, at least for me.

So I need to get back to basics. Quite a while ago I bought a book called The Eat Clean Diet and never read it. I'm going to do that now.

I need to start stocking low-cal, healthy snacks again, so that I can just grab something without having to put a lot of thought into it. It's easy to do this with junk food, so I'm going to make it just as easy for me to grab healthier options.

I'm going to do more meal-planning. This will spill over into other areas of my life, as I will be lessed stressed and more organized come dinnertime, which will lead to a happier mommy and a more relaxed, earlier meal, leaving extra time to focus on the kids, instead of going from the dinner table to the tub to bed. Not to mention that by meal planning, and only going to the grocery store once per week, I'll cut down on gas and spend less on groceries, too. There are many benefits to this, now I just need to put it into practice.

I ordered a food journal, too. I've always just used a notebook, but it got too hard to keep up with writing everything down. Or else I would write the food down, but then not take the time to fill in the nutritional information. Maybe if I have an journal actually designed for this purpose, with the pages already labeled and just needing to be filled in, I will be more successful at this.

I'm seeing small changes in my body already, and it makes me want to stay on track and is keeping me motivated. I never did make it out for a run this weekend, but we got some much-overdue stuff done around the house so that was okay. The fact that I'm heading out of town for a girls-only getaway next weekend is keeping me on track, too -- I want to be bringing home new clothes in a smaller size!

Okay, I'm done now.

It's the weekend!

So... what are your plans?

We are cleaning house today. And probably tomorrow. And I'm sure Sunday as well. Sigh.

It looks to be a beautiful weekend, so my goal is to get at least one walk/run in. Maybe I will take the dog. It would probably be better if he were a Great Dane or a Labrador or something... instead of a Jack Russell Terrier/Daschund cross -- complete with short legs. He has boundless energy though, so I bet I'm still done before he is!

I missed class last night. Second time this session. I just felt that my family needed me to be home last night. Girlie #1 got her braces yesterday, and was just sore and miserable, and wanted her mommy. :( Girlies 2 and 3 were both tired after long days at school, and the Boy is fighting a nasty cold. I just didn't feel right walking out the door and leaving Nate to deal with the fall-out.

So, instead, I'm walkin'. Yes, indeed, I'm walkin'. ;)

3 pounds!

I weighed myself last night after class, and I'm down by 3! :D

I started to get discouraged, because I was hoping to see a bigger drop, but then I realized three pounds in three weeks is a totally healthy weight loss. It's not coming off too fast, which makes you more likely to put it back on, so I'll take it. To be honest, I haven't been eating as good as I could be, even without following a strict diet. Seeing the smaller numbers already just makes me more determined to keep doing it!

I'm noticing a difference in my clothes already, too. I still wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the house in my favourite jeans, but I'm definitely closer to that point already, too.

Week 3.

Wow, time is really just flying by. I guess that's what happens when you have four kids at three different schools and are always on the go. It's funny, I thought I would have ALL this time this year, and I feel like I have even less than I did when the kids were home all summer.

I was thinking last night about the next session, and started to feel panicky. I think that may have been what went wrong last time -- the idea of committing to this healthier lifestyle for the rest of my life seemed too big a commitment to make. So I've decided that I'm going to take it one eight-week session at a time from now on. I'll focus on eating right and working out twice a week, and that's all I am going to ask of myself. If I get to the point where I want to pick up another class, or go for a run, or find the time to do a video at home, great. But it's not going to be an expectation I place on myself, and then I won't feel like I'm failing when I can't squeeze it in.

Also, eating right. I think this time I'm going to go with the "everything in moderation" approach, rather than the more hard-core "eat clean" approach. I don't want to feel guilty if I grab a couple of squares of chocolate once in a while. I also don't want to deny myself and then end up having a day where I gorge and eat three chocolate bars in one sitting. Again, expectations. I think knowing that I am eating better because I want to, rather than because I have to, will make it easier to stick to it.

I feel at peace with things today.

Interval training.

Are you familiar with the term? I am... now.

I can't believe in the two and a half years I've been working out with M we've never done a class like this before.

It kicked my ass, but at the same time was good. I was absolutely dripping wet by the time class was over, but yet it went surprisingly quickly. Usually the amount I sweat is directly proportion to how long it takes for class to be over, lol.

I don't feel NEARLY as bad today as I expected to. I felt worse last night than I do this morning, so that's good.

This morning Nate told me that he can already see a difference in my legs/hips. :D

I want to keep the momentum going, so I'll need to figure out some way of squeezing in some exercise on the weekend. It's Nate's weekend to work. so that makes it more difficult. Maybe I'll go for a run tomorrow night when he gets home.

We are doing the killer loop on Tuesday. It is as it sounds.

Week 2.

I can't believe it's been nearly a week since I last posted. Anyone who knows me IRL knows that I can't be quiet for that long. ;)

In fact, the blog did kind of hover in the back of my mind, but life got in the way and I wasn't able to post. Not that I didn't have time to sit here to post, mind you -- just that life stopped me from focusing on myself and my goals for a few days. Other things just needed my attention.

I did my best to stay on track, and didn't do terribly badly. I like being more conscious of what I'm putting in my body, and can really notice a difference when I've eaten something crappy and quick (not even fast food, necessarily) instead of taking the extra few minutes to make something balanced and nutritious.

I need to find more balance in other areas of my life, though, in order to be able to make it all fit together -- healthy eating, exercise, taking that precious time away from my family to get to the gym, 2 nights per week... how does it all work? Is there a way to manage to squeeze it all in and somehow not feel like you're dropping balls all over the place?

I skipped class last night. I didn't really want to, I just felt like I was needed at home. One of my kids had dental surgery on Monday at the follow up appt. was yesterday at 5:30 -- by the time we got home from that it was suppertime (which wasn't cooked yet, because I was uninspired yesterday and couldn't find a darn thing to make) and general madness ensued. So I stayed here to help man the fort, rather than leaving Nate (fuck it, nobody offered a suggestion as to what I should call my husband on here, so his first name it is) alone to deal with the hungry masses. I fully intended to go for a walk last night, but by the time we finally got the kids settled down it was too late to do anything.

I'm going to class tomorrow night for sure, though.

T.G.I.F.

And not just because I don't have class tonight. ;)

In fact, class tonight would be fine -- I'm not nearly as stiff and sore as I was on Wednesday, after my first class. I don't know if it was because I put two scoops of protein powder in my post-workout shake last night (figured my muscles needed the extra boost!) or if it's because I took a long soak in the tub, but whatever it was, it worked!

I feel different already. I have so much energy today, more than I have had in months. I am motivated to get things done around my house. I feel the need to be more active.

I feel happy.

I don't remember the last time I felt honestly, genuinely happy, for no good reason at all. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to clean my house... I'm moved nearly to tears because these are things I had forgotten I once felt, and their return warms my soul.

Back to why I'm happy it's Friday. Friday means that tomorrow morning we can sleep in and enjoy spending time together without the rat race that schools days bring. Friday means that maybe tonight my husband (hmmm, I'll have to come up with something to refer to him on here as... any suggestions?) and I can take the kids and the dog over to the park, and enjoy some family time. Friday means that I made it through the first full week of all my kids being in school (some full-time, some part-time) and everyone lived to tell about it.

Today is a good day. Post-workout euphoria is a good thing.

I feel like I'm finding myself again.

Home from the gym.

Hey, remember when I said I hoped we didn't do Cardiosculpt? We didn't. We did Cardio Legs. I made it through, though. It was hard. A couple of times I honestly thought I was going to have to quit. But somehow, I made it.

It took a looooong time for the endorphins to kick in. Usually by the time we're done warming up (10 minutes or so of the 50 minute class) I'm already in high gear. Tonight it was nearly half-way through class before I finally got that burst of energy. I think it was because I ate sort of crappy today. Not enough complex carbs, and just a bad balance of stuff overall. I will definitely have to watch that, especially on workout days.

I'm off now until Tuesday, which seems a really long time to not do anything. Maybe I'll dust off my MP3 player and go for a long walk on the weekend.

On a positive note, I haven't had a cigarette in nearly 4 hours. Usually I would go have one as soon as I got home from somewhere (we don't smoke in our house, never have). I've been home now for nearly 2 hours, and haven't even really wanted one. Seeing how hard it was for me to keep up in class is definitely giving me motivation to quit. That, and my legs hurt too fricken much to walk down the stairs and out to the garage, lol.

I think I can do this.

Day Two.

Well, tonight I go back to the gym. I'm not sure how my muscles feel about this. I'm still pretty sore from our workout on Tuesday night, but not as sore as I expected to be. I'm optimistic that if I can make it through the warmup the endorphins will kick in and things will be good.

I mentioned on Tuesday that we are doing legs tonight. That's probably a good thing, because we did arms and abs on Tuesday, and I couldn't handle another class that focused on those body parts. I'm a little bit worried that we are going to do a class called Cardiosculpt tonight, because my cardio is bad right now. I don't know just how bad, but I'm pretty sure that since I started smoking again last November (What happens when you smoke only when you drink, but then spend a week on a cruiseship, drinking, um, most of the time? You come home tanned, rested and smoking again) my lung capacity isn't the greatest.

Oh well, what's one more goal to reach for? Lose 25 pounds, start eating better, exercising regularly and quit smoking. Piece of cake!

I survived the workout.

Just barely.

Actually, that's a bit dramatic. It went better in some ways, and worse in others, than I was expecting it to.

I didn't huff and puff nearly as much as I thought I would, but then it wasn't a cardio class tonight. However, where a year ago I would have been using eight- and ten-pound weights (we did arms), tonight I was using three- and five-pound ones. I know that it's better than not using any weights, and it know it's my own damn fault for not going to the gym for nearly a year, but it was still hard to realize how far I've backslid, strengthwise.

Hard, too, was realizing that M is training two girls to come teach for her, when exactly a year ago I was signing up to take my Fitness Instructor Certification. I signed up for, then withdrew from, the class. To this day, I don't know why. M has (or had, a year ago) all the faith in the world that I could teach for her. My family, friends and fellow gym members were all excited and so supportive. It was just me. I couldn't do it. But it was still hard tonight to see someone else counting the reps for her, and hearing M say, "If you aren't sure what to do, just watch _____" and not have her say my name.

I guess I have two choices. I can turn tail and run, or I can suck it up and keep going. I don't especially like feeling sorry for myself, so I think I'm going to just nip this pity party in the bud. There is nothing saying that I couldn't get my certification and teach for her sometime down the road. But before I can do that, I need to focus on getting back to healthy.

I did see a lot of familiar faces tonight, which was great, but we were in a brand-new studio (M expanded over the summer), and there were a lot more new faces than familiar ones. Why is it that life goes on, even when we stay put? Shouldn't the world stop as well?

Day One.

Well, tonight's the night. Back to the gym.

I figure it's a good time to try to get my eating back under control, too. I need to dust off my food journal and start using it again. Since I'm starting over at the gym, I might as well start over at home too, right?

Today was not bad. I had an egg-white omelet and some multi-grain oatmeal for breakie. This is my usual breakfast. Once in a while I go crazy and have a multi-grain english muffin (toasted) with peanut butter and sliced banana. I did use real cream in my coffee. I use a lot of cream, and I drink a lot of coffee. This needs to change. Did you know that if you switch from cream to skim milk in your coffee, you'll lose something like five pounds in a year, without making any other changes? Too bad I hate the taste of coffee with skim...

I could give up coffee, I suppose. That would be better for me anyways. But baby steps, I say...

I was on the go all morning, and didn't have time for a snack (when I was eating right, I did three meals plus 2-3 snacks per day). At lunchtime I picked up the Js from their respective schools and we did some more running around. I ended up getting them Mcdonald's for lunch, but resisted the smell of those greasy fries and ordered nothing for me.

Our next stop (thanks to a wrong turn probably brought on by low blood sugar) ended up being Tim Horton's. I got a bagel with cream cheese and coffee with... milk! It wasn't anywhere near as satisfying as my regular "two creams, two sweeteners" from Timmy's is. Plus the bagel was plain (white, refined, blah) as they didn't have any multi-grain, and the amount of cream cheese slathered on it likely exceeds the serving size by, oh, about 500%. So the bagel made me feel guilty, and the coffee didn't satisfy me. All in all, not a good lunch. Still better than Mcdonald's, though.

I just gulped down a strawberry-flavoured yogurt "probiotic drink." Kind of like Yop for adults. I think I might have an apple. Then just before class (which isn't until 7:15, but I hate to work out on a full stomach) I'll have a v-8, cheese string and some crackers. I'll have dinner and a protein shake when I get home.

I hate how focused I become about food when I'm eating right. It seems like it never really became second nature to me, and I was always trying to figure out what to eat, what I had already eaten, calculating the serving size, writing it down in my journal, adding up my daily fat/calorie intake... too much work, I tell you. No wonder I got fed up with it all.

I hope this time is different.

The change back.

Sadly, what can be done can also be undone, sometimes.

About a year ago, I started feeling really, really burnt out. It was hard to make two meals -- one for my family, and a separate one for myself. But they didn't like what I ate, and I couldn't have what they liked. I mean, I guess I could, it's not as though I was throwing Mcdonald's on the table for them every night, but typically the fat/calorie content per serving of "their" meal was higher than mine. Sometimes by quite a bit.

It was hard to make myself go to my fitness classes, too. The kids hated it when I left, and I felt so torn. It was easier to just stay home than to deal with the guilt I felt when I peeled their little hands off my legs and closed the door on their tear-streaked faces. Even though I was gone for less than two hours, twice a week at that point, it was still too much for them.

The guilt got huge, and took over that small part of myself I had reclaimed. Around this time, my depression also started spiralling out of control. I didn't see it at the time, but in hindsight it was already happening.

I made it to probably half the classes in the fall (Sept.-Oct.) session, and exactly two in the Nov.-Dec. one. I didn't set foot in the studio again until this past Saturday.

I kept eating okay for a while, but then that fell to the wayside along with the exercise. The weight started creeping back on. A little bit here, a little bit there. Pretty soon my jeans felt tight, and I had to go up a size. Then another. As the numbers on the scale got bigger, so too did my clothing. That's where I'm at right now. Two sizes bigger than my smallest size, but thankfully also two sizes smaller than my biggest size. It's time to take a stand, and reclaim my body. If for no other reason than because I gave away my "fat" clothes, and I'm too cheap and too stubborn to go buy them all again. Wish me luck.

The change.

No, not that change. The one that happens when you start eating right and exercising.

I don't remember when I started to notice the change, but gradually my clothes got looser, and my biceps actually looked like biceps when I flexed my arms. Then my collarbones showed up again. How I had missed those clavicles. My double chin started to shrink.

One day I was reaching under my daughter's bed for something (probably a renegade sock), and it occurred to me that I fit better between her bed and her dresser than I ever had before. It was at that point when I realized that the eating right and exercising were actually working, for the first time ever!

There were other changes, too. I started looking up instead of staring at the ground when I was out in public. I started wearing jewelry again. I didn't even realized that I had stopped until the day I reached for my dusty jewelry box. I must have subconsciously stopped because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. How funny I had never realized it before. So while my body was going through some big changes, so too was my mind. It was a great time of self-discovery. After many years of giving all of myself to my children (something I didn't mind, btw) it was nice to reclaim a piece just for me.

In the beginning.

I suppose I should give some background.

I had my first baby when I was 22. As happens to many women, things shifted and stretched and grew, and then never went back all the way after she was born. I tried diet and exercise, but somehow the weight just stayed. Finally, when my daughter was about six months old, a blood test showed that my thyroid was low. Within weeks of starting thyroid medication, I lost 30 pounds.

Life went on, and a few years later baby number 2 (another girl) came along. As before, things shifted and stretched and grew, and, as before, they never went back all the way after she was born. I didn't worry about the extra weight too much, because I knew we wanted more babies, and I didn't see any point in working hard to lose the weight when pregnancy would make it all come back again. So, while I wasn't happy, I didn't do anything about it either. Oh, except have my thyroid tested again, just in case... but this time, it was within normal range.

Same thing when babies number 3 (one more girl) and number 4 (to our great shock, a boy) came along.

But then we were done having babies, and I realized that I either needed to come up with a new reason to stay in the (out of) shape I was, or do something about it.

It was at that point that my good friend S told me about a new fitness studio her sister-in-law had opened. She wanted to know if I would take a class with her. Like me, she was done having kids and ready to take her body back. So I bit the bullet, and signed up.

It changed my life.

I used to joke that I don't even run for the phone... honestly that wasn't far off the mark. I've tried joining gyms in the past, doing workout videos, going walking by myself or with a friend... nothing ever stuck. Gyms were confusing: I couldn't figure out the equipment, and there never seemed to be anyone around to help me. There were far more muscle-bound hulks and "spandex bunnies" than anyone else, and this was intimidating for a fat, frumpy housewife who needed to lose 50 pounds. I tried a women-only gym. It was a bit better, at least there were no hulks, but the equipment was still confusing, and the support was minimal. I gave up after a month. Videos were hard to do, with two, then three, then four kids running around... a 20-minute video took me nearly two hours to complete, between refereeing fights and getting snacks. Walking was no better. Either there was some sort of crisis in the house, or my husband had to work late, or my walking partner didn't feel like going either, so instead of walking, we would end up going for coffee.

These, as many of you know, do not make for an effective fitness program, and you are certainly not likely to lose weight this way. I was no exception.

Okay, back to M's studio. Turns out I had known M for years, but didn't realize she was S's sister-in-law. Because of that connection, I felt more comfortable than I had in any other gym I had set foot in. It was a women-only facility, which upped the comfort level another notch. But the thing that really did it for me: there wasn't a spandex bunny in sight.

What is a spandex bunny, you ask? They are the women you see at the gym, with their fake tans and their fake nails and the perfect makeup and not a hair out of place... how on earth do they exercise without sweating? Because they must exercise in order to get those rock-hard abs, the butt you could bounce a coin off, the perfectly toned arms and calves...

But if standing next to one of these gorgeous creatures wasn't intimidating enough, it was the attitude that seemed to ooze out of their almost non-existent pores the clinched it: that they, skinnier, prettier, somehow better than me were worthy of being there, while I was not. More often than not, after a derisive look from one of them, I slunk off, tail between my legs, vowing to lose 50 pounds before setting foot back in the gym, because perhaps then I would be deemed worthy of sharing their space.

Now, to be fair, I'm certain there are many wonderful, supportive women who look amazing in spandex and yet offer a ready smile and word of encouragement to the person on the machine next to them at the gym. I'm also certain none of them live where I do.

Anyways, S and I went off to M's studio. I still remember that first class. For the first five minutes I thought, "I can do this!" The next five were spent thinking I was going to die. By fifteen minutes in, though, the endorphins had kicked in, and I spent the rest of the class riding a fitness high.

I could do it. I LOVED exercising! It was great. I was going to be so healthy, in better shape than I had ever been in my life.

I spent the next week in agony. I could go up stairs, but not down. I could sit down, but not get up again. Advil became my best friend. My muscles were in shock and disbelief. What had I done to them? How could I betray them this way? I never thought they had betrayed me -- after all, it was my own fault I was in the sorry shape I was in.

But things got easier, and soon I started to see some changes. So began my love affair with working out.

Here we go again.

I went back to the gym today. Not to work out, but to sign up for classes for the next session. It felt good, but a little scary. It's been nearly a year since I last stepped through the door. M (my kick-ass instructor, and owner of the fitness studio I work out at) greeted me with a smile and a hug, and made me feel so much better. I was worried that I would see disappointment on her face when she saw how far back I've slid, but all she said was, "You still look good, I don't know what you're talking about." I love how non-judgmental she is. She's an amazing person. She has talked me through some struggles before, I don't know why this time I was afraid to reach out to her. But that's what I do -- turn inward, and stop talking. Ironic, for someone who never shuts up.

So, like the title says, here we go again. I'm hoping this time I can figure out why I failed last time, and stick with the lifestyle changes necessary to become a healthier, fitter person. I don't want to say skinny, because I'm trying hard to not make that was this is about. But losing a few pounds and a few clothing sizes certainly wouldn't hurt.